Showing posts with label Gift Guides. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gift Guides. Show all posts

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Toilets And Sad Pets - What To Buy The Excessive Rainbow Fan

by Madeleine Swann

Rainbows are wondrously wonderful, and now you can harness their power in gift form for that chromatically aware person in your life who makes your eyes bleed whenever you meet for a drink. 

This rainbow sponge, video edited by FoundFootageFest, is a must. She's having a jolly old time, we want some of that too!



These shoes by Marjorie Schick were made as part of her Chipines and Puddles collection. How can you be sad when your feet are literally oozing rainbows?




This toilet foot stand apparently makes you poo edible rainbows:



We all know humiliating pets is the new fun thing so why not embarrass yours with a rainbow unicorn outfit? 



And finally, nothing says joy like body leakage, especially if it's multi-coloured: 



So that's it! Merry Santa Day, and may you all be as horrifically joyful as I am in the picture below.


Madeleine Swann's book Rainbows Suck is a surreal tale of the dark side of fame. Visit her website.


Monday, December 14, 2015

The Bizarro Holiday Guide for Those Trying to Escape Reality

Hey there, folks. I hope the holidays are treating you well and instead of steering your gigantic death machine toward a helpless civilization, you’re able to kick back with some booze and enjoy the company of your friends and family. However, if you or someone you know is working the skin from their hands under the tyranny of a vicious and uncaring god, then you might want to pick up some things this Christmas to help you or your enslaved loved ones experience a brief reprieve from the never ending workflow.

1. Santa Sangre - One of surrealist filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky’s later films, Santa Sangre tells the tale of Fenix, a young man trying to cope with the violent acts he witnessed as a child. Got the holiday blues? Think your life sucks this Christmas? Trust me. It doesn’t when compared to Fenix's. 



2. Perfect Union By Cody Goodfellow - One hell of a body horror novel that makes Cronenberg’s early work look like fucking Care Bears. If you haven’t already been indoctrinated into the Cult of Goodfellow then I feel bad for you. Get in here. Join us. We need you... 

3. Perturbator's Dangerous Days - What better way to get your blood pumping for a revolt than with 80s inspired synth-tunes like “Humans are Such Easy Prey” and “Satanic Rites” ?!


4. Ovipositor and Alien Mask - If movies, books, and tunes aren’t your thing then how ‘bout diving head first into that alien fetish you’ve been hiding all these years? Break the chains of that vanilla sex life this season and give into your extraterrestrial naughty side. 









5. Bitchin' Space Biker Shirt by SKINNER - Mother. Fucking. Space. Biker. Wear this and be the baddest guy or gal in the galaxy. 


 
6. King Space Void - Lastly, what better way to round out your surreal, science-fiction inspired sex gifts than with a copy of this here book. 



*Extra cool points if you snag a print of the cover art from that smooth talking paint-slinger Kai Martin's web store: http://www.kaimartinart.com/#/king-space-void/ 

MERRY CHRISTMAS! I LOVE YOU ALL! 

 

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Jason Voorheesberg's Hanukkah Gift Guide



Hi guys! I hope you're being cool and enjoying family. I don't have any family and live alone in the woods. I haven't killed anyone in two days and I feel the holiday blues :(  I hope Santa comes so I can murder him.

The only gifts I have are from a group of swingers than stumbled into the woods and I have fun with their bodies. KILLING IS SO COOL!

I have these four things. You can Paypal me at JasonIsSuperCool@cockmail.com

Moonight Sexy Fetish Vagina Nipple Clamps flexible Adjustable breast nipple clip with chain,red

I found the swingers with this stuff and strangled them with it. It makes for good rope.

Moonight sexy Feather anal plug (one size, black)

When I sliced this woman's arms off and then shoved her own arm down her throat, this thing fell out of her butt. I use it clean my cabin but I'll sell it to you for twenty bucks.

Locker Room Poppers


I don't know what it is but when I smell it makes me want to kill more

My Book

Eraserhead Press was so cool and published my life story. Every time someone buys it I get money and I need to buy a new machete. My last one has hardened testicle blood on it, which smells bad :(

Thanks,
Happy Hanukkah

PS I am thinking about learning about Jesus and Christmas and doing a Christmas special.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Bizarro Holiday Gift Guide for the Gamergate Otaku




Do you live with, or have a "Gamer Gater" in your life? Not sure what to get them? Have no fear! Here are some gift ideas for that strange Otaku you seem to have become acquainted with.


Scary People by Kyle Muntz(Kindle and Paperback).




For those that like RPG’s, Adventure Time, and Sadness.

 
ChäoS;
HEAd (PC Import) and Future Diary (Anime, Manga)



For those that feel a strong urge to make a difference in the world, especially if they seldom(if ever) leave their house.



















For those that feel like they are surrounded by unintelligible Lovecraftian monstrosities and are desperately seeking that one special girl they can relate to.



“Insert Waifu Name Here” Dakimakura






Seriously… just ask them who their “Waifu” is, google the name with “Dakimakura” after it, and don’t ask any questions. If you don’t feel comfortable asking them, just google Dakimakura and pick one you think they’ll like. They’ll appreciate a printed image they can snuggle up with. Don’t be alarmed if you hear strange whispering's late at night. Some even take them out into the world to socialize. Don't fret. It’s just part of the lifestyle.




Steam Gift Card: 









For members of the "PC master race" that want to pick a few titles from the dozens of 5$ discount games available during Steam’s annual Winter Blowout. 















For those that want their place to smell like cats without actually having to worry about keeping one alive.

























For those that want a little bit of sweetness with their mustard sandwiches.


Sailor Moon Season 1 Part 1& 2




The classic magical girl show they grew up with! This will let them relive their childhood—this time, uncensored!




Now, let them sit back and have their childhood nostalgia for “magical girls” be destroyed by Gen "The Butcher" Urobuchi (who also wrote "Song of Saya", one of the earlier entries on this list).






Iced Tea Concentrate + Home Made Finger Sandwiches


In the event they bring someone home, it’s always good to be ready for some “food play”. They can drink the tea while their guest digs in from the rear with the Finger Sandwiches!








Pixiegate Madoka(Kindle, Paperback)






What more could they want than an anime and video game inspired book featuring one of their own?



メリークリスマス(Merry Christmas)!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Elephant Vice - A Christmas List

 As Christmas approaches with a rapid pace and veracious appetite, perhaps, dear reader, you find yourself in a quandary. Do you have that special someone in your life who loves Elephant Vice? Someone who has read it more than once? Perhaps a father, or sibling, a pet wombat or animated sofa? You do? Wowzers I'm good at guessing, aren't I?
And perhaps you are struggling to find those perfect gifts for that someone to show them ow much you love them this Christmas?
Perhaps you are terrified of that Christmas morning, when your significant person opens their present, only for you to see the love and joy die in their eyes as they see your gift. Well, fear no longer, old Chris will save you this Christmas with his ultimate Christmas List for Elephant Vice Lovers!


Art Supplies
A loved one, who is into Elephant Vice, will obviously be a fan of the eponymous hero Detective Vincent Van Gogh, and what better way for them to express their artistic bent than to emulate dear Vincent and produce their own art work with this set of oil paints and canvas!


Herringbone Tweed Blazer.
Every detective needs their own easily recognisable style. Detective Vincent Van Gogh is a detective of style. Your loved one can now dress like Detective Van Gogh with this wonderful stylish Brown Tweed Blazer.


Detective Badge and Handcuffs
Any aspiring detective needs a badge and their own set of handcuffs to deal justice on the mean streets of Maybe Beach.

Statue of Ganesha, the Hindu elephant deity
All praise mighty Ganesha, he of the curved trunk and sad eyes. He is the Lord of success and destroyer of evils and obstacles. His massive body shines like a million suns and showers his blessings on everyone! Any fan of Elephant Vice is bound to love this statue of Ganesha!


Peanut Brittle
Any lover of Ganesha will know Detective Ganesha has a fondness of peanut brittle. And, your loved one will adore this small selection of Ganesha's favourite treat.


Haematite Natural Rune Stones
Sometimes in Maybe Beach you have to go to places you don't like and talk to dangerous people. At times like that it's good to know the local lingo. Detective Van Gogh knows this, that's why he has runes...to talk to the Vikings!

Rubik's Cube
We all love puzzles, and our indomitable detectives are no different. And any fan of the 80's will remember these classic Rubik's Cube puzzles.


The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings
We all get angry at times, and depressed, and Detective Van Gogh is no exception. If your loved one is anything like Vincent Van Gogh, then...they probably need this book.

Elephant Vice
And, of course, what else can a fan of Elephant Vice want on Christmas Day, but another copy of that awesome book!
Elephant Vice - UK  
Elephant Vice - US


And there you have it peoples, my awesome guide to presents for an Elephant Vice fan. Merry Christmas.

Chris

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Buying Happiness With Squirrels - A Surrealist's Gift Guide

by Pedro Proença

Do you like shopping for the ones you love? Do you think reality is just a mere product of your failed senses in an futile attempt to make sense of a chaotic and irreal existence? Well I got the perfect gift guide for you! With these simple suggestions (buy consume acquire stuff it into your mind hole buy dispose consume your own flesh purchase happiness yes you can buy happiness buy buy BUY!) you can make your friends and family happy, cure diseases and save the world!


Sony PCM-M10 Portable Linear PCM Voice Recorder


Wanting to write a book and not having arms is like wanting to scream and having no mouth, am I right?
Seriously, am I?
But with this handy little recorder you can release your inner thoughts and fears into the world, creating your very own masterpiece! Or at least a book about latex ants fighting a monster.












Mr. Postman Boy's Costume

To the child in your life (or the child within yourself), comes this really cute postman's costume. So you can teach a child how to murder innocent dogs, loved by their owners who invested time creating lasting bonds only to be stripped of them by a sadistic little brat in a devil's costume. Buy it now!















Chef

Best movie ever.




















72 Yellow Balloons


Who knows, maybe one of them comes to life and starts spewing philosophical crap.
WARNING: Don't trust anything a balloon tells you. They are all filthy, disgusting liars.















The Riemann Hypothesis: The Greatest Unsolved Problem in Mathematics, by Karl Sabbagh

Truste me, you'll need this. This is important. Read this, and buy this for EVERYONE.
Plus, the guy's name sounds like Sabbath, which is pretty cool.

















Benjamin, by Pedro Proença

Then there's this thing.
See? Every word in that last sentence begins with a T.
2SPOOKY4ME

Buy this for everyone (except your dog, he or she won't like this book. But your cat might. Maybe not.)















BECOME ONE OF THE COOL KIDS, JUST BUY STUFF.

Happy Holidays, everybody!



Tuesday, December 8, 2015

The Sad Bizarro Guide for Seasonally Affected Weirdos

by Karl Fischer

The holidays can be a stressful time. They can even feel like the end of the world. Yes, as civilization crumbles and people are reduced to feral beasts that go screaming into the night, tearing apart cities with their frustration and guilt, you might wonder if shopping for your loved ones is even worth it. Well, this gift guide wants to assure you that it is. It’s okay to feel sad. You can still have a very merry holiday season.

"Skullcrack City" by Jeremy Robert Johnson

Beautifully written, superb, and insane, JRJ’s first full-length novel tells the story of a mysterious drug sensation, which is threatening to drag all living things into an outer-dimensional hell, a place where existence is quashed under an endless black nothing. Our drug-addled, banker-turned-outlaw protagonist must battle monsters from beyond the veil of rationality, but saving the world may come at a very high cost. It’s paced like a thriller and deep as the Bolton Strid.












"The Cell" - Tarsem Singh

New technology allows therapists to enter the minds of their patients, making it possible for them to physically confront fears and memories. Unfortunately for Jennifer Lopez, her next client is a serial killer. Tarsem Singh brings his stunning, signature visuals to a tale of depravity and mental trauma. It's maybe the tenderest story ever told about defeating a serial killer—you won’t find any smarmy Kevin Spacey lookalikes here. It takes a lot of courage to overcome the demons that can inhabit a mind.











"Blueprints of the Afterlife" by Ryan Boudinot

The world has already ended, and it is in the political, spiritual, genre fictional, and emotional Afterlife that the novel is set. Across time, a disparate cast of characters act out their roles, a winding spiral of events—sometimes violent and melancholy, other times humorous and absurd—that coalesce into the final testament of the human condition, the artifacts that will be left behind for the Last Dude.













"The Fountain" - Darren Aronofsky

Set in the past, present, and future, one man searches for the metaphorical and literal Tree of Life. His loved one is going to die/has died, and he is desperate to prevent/understand/reverse it. Is it death that elicits fear, or the cessation of all things that accompanies it—that final sundering of emotions and cares and wants? To what lengths would you go to overcome that gaping maw at the end of your happiness, which swallows up everything like a collapsed star? The film’s answer is that love is greater than death, and though we are ephemeral, perhaps it is not.










The Stanley Parable

Stanley may or may not have freewill. Stanley may or may not be trapped in a recursive, meta-fictional nightmare. His fate may or may not be in your hands. The voiceover narration serves as the primary point of conflict, highlighting the unique gulf that exists between author and audience, even in an interactive medium. There are many different endings that can result from your choices, but you'll want to explore them all in order to see what's really going on.








Neurological Study in Wool

Your brain is real and fake at the same time. Your brain is gross and cuddly at the same time. Love your own grotesqueness, and then put a simulacrum on the wall to remind yourself of how far you've come.















Drugs (Coffee, Hugs, and Otherwise)

Give the gift of drugs to your loved ones. Hold them tight and fill them with dopamine. Even if they—or you—experiences a chemical imbalance that makes love feelings difficult, just remember that both of you are real and that your connection is real.














"Towers" by Karl Fischer

And if you already know and love all or some of these things, consider reading Towers, as it is also a psychological, science fictional, romantic, visceral, and monster-ridden tale. After fighting giant monsters for a thousand years, a sentient guard tower is set to go to heaven with his soulmate. But for reasons unknown, the lovers are reborn as lowly humans living inside the Towers they once operated. Separated by thousands of miles and trapped within menageries of horror, only a profound transformation of mind and body can reunite them.

Leviathan and all the horrors of the human heart would like to wish you a very merry Winter.